Time, the Avenger and Devourer of Worlds

I'll be the first to admit that these are not the happiest of times inside my head. Yesterday I blamed my writing for taking me to places that tire me out emotionally. However if I'm truthful there's more to it than that. While I usually keep dayjob things to the fringes, I can't avoid the fact that my time in my current organizational role is coming to an end. There's a lot of uncertainty as to where I'll be posted (though thankfully it's certain that I will be posted somewhere) but the ramifications could end determining where I work for the next few years.

As soon as you start talking about things in terms of years, it starts to put other things into perspective - I mentioned on twitter earlier today that my online reading queue has 373 books listed as waiting to be read - most of which I can access readily. I currently read approximately 24-30 books a year, which I consider a good rate, but relatively inadequate to the task at hand. Assuming I can maintain that pace, and only add 10 books a year to my waiting list (woefully underestimating the amount of material I've racked up in the previous 10 years), it will take me anywhere between 12 and 22 years to catch up on my reading.

Let's not talk about the 800 films in my movie queue.

Nor the notes and sketches I've been developing for six novels.

It's hard to avoid the realization that even if I've only (and extremely optimistically) lived 1/3 of my life, I've probably already mentally made more plans than I can reasonably accomplish before I finish the other 2/3 of it that brings me to further realize what it is that I fear most: running out of time.

I'm not afraid of trying and failing, I'm afraid of never having the chance to try and fail, of just not getting around to it and putting things off, though increasingly it looks like I'm just burying myself under a pile of things.

I suppose I need to discriminate better.

(I've been listening to a lot of new Gil Scott-Heron remix album lately and that hasn't helped, especially "Running" with the lines:

To be running and not in fear
Because the thing I fear cannot be escaped, eluded, avoided,
Hidden from, protected from, gotten away from,

)